Feeling Alone...

a·lone /əˈlōn/

adjective

1. having no one else present.

Title: Know Me More

I don't know about you, but sometimes I feel utterly alone. The solitude comes in many forms. I can feel it most when I'm in the largest of crowds or I can feel it when no one is present and I'm trying to remember the 'why' behind life itself. But in both situations, its self inflicting.

I don't think we mean to feel this way, but there is something about reflecting on the presence of your subconscious that you realize no one can truly be there with you in your own mind. It's just you. No one there to know how you feel or know what you're thinking. Inside your mind you are utterly alone. Sometimes that can be peoples saving grace and others, their danger zone.

For me and for the longest time, it was my danger zone. Getting lost in my thoughts contributed to my downfalls. What I did to maintain a foot away from the precipice (in case I wanted to jump) was put that 'alone-ness' into a box in my mind, and fill the rest with thoughts of the one I was in love with. I put so much pressure on the ones I loved to make me feel alive. I made them responsible for my loneliness. In my mind, I needed them to know me more and fill my up with happiness and hope. But, in the end, it was destructive for my relationships and destructive for myself.

I now know, contrary to what I felt back when I sketched this piece, that no one should be responsible for my happiness/loneliness, nor, should I feel alone in the first place. Yes, we may be the only ones that can live in our conscious mind, but that part of it is not being alone. It's the act of not connecting your conscious mind to the world around you, that is the act of being alone. Furthermore, I am the only one responsible for that act. When you put so much pressure on the ones you love to be responsible for your happiness, you will never reach the desired end. Again, it is the act of connecting your conscious mind to the world around you that you will find links to fulfillment and larger than life relations.